A certain amount of pain and longing have been strangling my heart lately. The question of "why?" kills, the question of "how?" confuses, the question of "if?" leaves me feeling empty. I stand still and watch the world pass by me wrapped up in the trivial and insignificant and I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but nothing comes out - I have been rendered powerless, I have watched as everything I loved slipped through my fingers, I have followed a path with no destination and no scenery. It keeps me up at night and some unseen cloud lingers in the back of my mind.
No amount of experience or knowledge prepares me for what comes next - a harsh collision with the reality of death and sorrow. Something tangible in the midst of so much emotion. It chokes, it burns, it drains. I can see it even though it hasn't happened and I keep wondering if this will be my last chance, if I can ever forgive myself if I don't take say what I feel.
I feel helpless to everyone around me, paralized by fear, energized by anger, subdued by reality. I let go and float in a sea of serotonin attached to nothing and wanting nothing. My relationships have failed, my life has derailed. No matter, it wasn't mine to begin with...
Step into it...the story continues in a new chapter, perhaps a new genre - something more like a field of blank pages. Hungry, I begin writing. I'm not going to lose a second chance, so I'm going to follow my heart this time around.
