Renewal and Inherent Curiosity

Time passes...sometimes quickly and sometimes dragged out painfully...as these moments combine to form our years, our personalities and our futures there is one strange phenomenon that makes me wonder about the reality of time at all.  Although I'm now 37 and much older and (sometimes) wiser than when I was in college or high school, at a deep visceral level the "me" that experiences everything still feels the same.  The same age, the same level of curiosity, the same endless energy. Perhaps this is because this portion of ourselves exists outside the constraints of our personalities, genetics and upbringing.  The willingness to be curious about the world around us, to connect with those around us we've never met before, to forego the planned, predictive path at times and blissfully follow a path that seems equal parts frightening and exhilarating.

It's time we learn where those paths will take us and if what we've been seeking and longing for all this time has been cleverly hidden outside of our reach for a reason....

It's always the last place you look...

Lately I have been searching for something - not consciously, but there has just been a kind of longing feeling for something.  I have observed this feeling and tried various methods to alleviate it, but of course nothing works.  I feel like I'm searching for something and I don't even know what I'm supposed to be looking for!

Connection

What is this visceral longing for connection? Why can't each of us feel complete, whole and satisfied exactly as we are, without the praise or love of others? Is it simply my ego getting in the way?

The truth is that at some level each of us is connected to others and this connection, in its entirety, represents the wholeness and satisfaction we are looking for...not based on our expectations from another person, but based on a holistic quality I can't quite put my finger on.

I have often felt this longing, quite often directed toward a specific person when they were in a situation which required a specific type of help or knowledge. Kind of like a universal radar which directs me to those whom I can help.

I can't figure it out.

Letting go

So the most interesting thing that has been happening to me lately is that I have been practicing the art of letting go - not letting things bother me, not worrying so much about religion, not trying to force things to end up how I would like them. It has been quite liberating to practice this. Of course I still get upset some of the times and stressed out, but I will say that this approach has worked pretty well for me. Another benefit has been that I haven't been so worried about my self image and the perceptions of others.

Following the White Rabbit

Each of us has something we are searching for - something we feel will make us more complete, happy or fulfilled. I used to think that this was normal, but now I realize that this constant searching and sense of lacking is detrimental to one's mental and emotional state. Even when we get what we want we are immediately searching for the next thing. I want to just relax into the moment - not to avoid action and responsibility, but so that my actions will be focused in a way that makes them maximally effective and enjoyable. I am too easily stressed, anxious, etc. This comes from years and years of practice, and practice makes perfect. I do believe it is possible to have a huge amount of things to do and still be at peace and focused. I just need to practice...

LOST IS BACK!!!

Yes, it's true for all you who follow the show. Lost returns this Thursday (it's on one hour later than usual). If you have any thoughts about the show please email me so I can wrap my little brain around it.

The Power of Now and "what the...?!"

OK, I have been trying to finish this book for close to three weeks and I just can't figure it out. I much prefer A New Earth. Maybe I'm just not aware enough, but I keep getting distracted and have to go back and re-read things. I'm going to put it aside for a while and start reading the Book of Mormon. I already started last night and it was kind of fun.

While reading I felt inspired to read Moroni 10:3, which is the beginning of the challenge to pray about the truthfulness of the book. I was really excited and thought maybe this was a re-invigoration of the testimony process. Later during the same reading I felt inspired to read another verse which meant absolutely nothing to me. It kind of struck me as odd, so I did a little non-scientific experiment. My hypothesis: any situation can feel inspired and relate directly to a person's current life situation merely because of their current frame of mind. My methodology: flip through the BoM and read random verses and feel in my mind if they could at all be construed to be inspired to apply to help me with a current problem, thought, concern, etc. Results: nearly every single verse I randomly turned to could have been interpreted as applying to me at that point in time (5 out of 6). Interpretation: it goes back to the book I referenced a few months ago (The Four Agreements). Basically, a person's current perception is the veil through which they interpret and judge every thought, feeling, experience, etc. So, a person with a testimony will regard EVERY experience as supporting that testimony, whether they realize it or not (e.g. a raise at work will be seen as a blessing received for paying tithing; being fired will be seen as an opportunity to learn humility (or even punishment for some errant behavior if the person is sufficiently warped)).

I also got on an LDS forum to read through basic conversations and questions regarding doctrine. I was left with a somewhat hollow feeling as every challenge to doctrine was answered almost verbatim with the typical "Primary answers," almost like people weren't really thinking, they were just repeating what they've been taught all their lives. Anytime something doesn't make sense: "I don't know, but I've FELT it's true so I don't have to worry about evidence or facts that may disprove my testimony - evidence from God is greater than evidence from man" (I guess they don't realize that emotions are the most easily manipulated aspect of human existence (ever seen a horror movie, listened to a sappy love song or listened to a speech from a dynamic political leader???)). Anytime discrepancies in past doctrine come up: "isn't it great that we have ongoing revelation?" and on and on it goes.

Of course, I have to be able to separate the people in the church and their opinions from the actual doctrine of the church (which from my perspective are two very different things).

Anyway, I still have a lot to learn and figure out, but I am optimistic about the possibilities and direction I have been taking lately. My heart seems to be a little more open to things, so that is good.

Trying to try not to try

Gratitude and a subtle path to peace

I sat thinking about my life today and realized a deep level of gratitude for my life experiences. All of the amazing cities I have worked in (links are on the right side of my blog), all of the great people I've been able to meet, my beautiful wife and children, our relative financial success, my education, etc. are many things that the average person in this world does not get to experience (looking from a world view, not an American view). When my wife came out with me to San Francisco we had some amazing, expensive dinners and I realized that gratitude was not one of my feelings at the time - I was very happy to be there, I deeply enjoyed the food and conversation, but I don't remember feeling gratitude specifically.

In general a lack of gratitude simply reveals an attitude of wanting - "always searching and never able to come to a knowledge of the truth" if you will. And what is the truth? That we have everything we need right now. That nothing external or time bound can add to or take away from our deep sense of fulfilment unless we let it. That peace cannot be experienced at any other point than the one we are experiencing right now.

It's blissful, light, refreshing. These thoughts pass through the sky of my mind like little white clouds - "oh, that's an interesting one" - but ultimately the peace is held within my being, not within my mind. Feeling that releases something, not a part of my being, but a part of who my mind is telling me that I am. As these pieces float away what am I left with? Not a summation of accomplishments, failures, others' opinions, etc. I am left formless, fearless. Joy. Peace. No words can really explain it because when I try, it's gone.

Buddha: A Story of Enlightenment

I just finished reading a book by Deepak Chopra titled "Buddha: A Story of Enlightenment." It was really quite fascinating. Deepak takes the mythical elements of Buddha's life and wove them into a fictional framework by adding background characters, experiences, etc. One word of caution (or encouragement depending on what types of books you like ; )): this book is written in novel format, which improves the flow, but means it reads a little too fast. One redeeming aspect is that Deepak has added some meditation guidance and a brief Q&A at the end of the book, which were both great.

I will say that as I was reading about Buddha's struggle for enlightenment and his complete humanization of the process I felt a deep inner enlightenment myself, if only for a brief few hours. This was later erased by a sinus headache I had that required me to work from the hotel during the afternoon. The Buddha reached a point in which he was indifferent to pain/pleasure, good/bad, attachment/aversion, etc. which is pretty difficult to even understand. The point is that the mind really can't understand it (much of what Eckhart Tolle teaches) the person must experience it. Much of the religious/spiritual study I have engaged in says the same thing.

The thing I really like about the story of the Buddha is that he was a normal person who achieved enlightenment, not a god/human who really couldn't have failed anyway. Reading about him struggling through passion, doubt, fear, weakness, etc. really brings the story home.

If you get some time check it out.